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• God of all comfort
A New Song Your first question may be "why A New Song?" "What is the significance behind the name?" When I was forming the idea for the resource center, I wanted a name which would be gentle but honest; a name which would offer a ray of hope to those who are suffering life's difficult, painful experiences. As I thought about the process we go through as we grieve, I recalled
that the most important thing for me early on was, "would I live
through this and would I ever stop crying?" As I travel this grief
journey, I have learned to say yes to those questions. I am also learning
that the "old me" is no longer who I am. I have discovered
new and interesting things about myself that I don't believe would have
surfaced had I not gone through the heart wrenching experience of our
son's death. I am not saying that I prefer life without our son, but
that good has come with the bad. I see these changes as a new song in
my heart. (Psalm 33, Psalm 96) The old tune has given way to a beautiful
melody of trust in God, a closer relationship with my husband and children,
and a greater sensitivity to those who struggle, especially those who
are grieving a death of someone they loved dearly. The day we realized our son had died something within me died. The future became a fearful lonely place and the present empty of the son I loved. The depth of my despair was beyond comprehension. And yet …there was something within which kept me from "grieving as those who have no hope." (I Thessalonians 4:13b) Slowly, Hands of Love were binding up my broken heart and giving me meaning and purpose in life again. I've been a Christian for many years but had never experienced the warm presence of God as I have since Josh died. As Job said "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You." (Job 42:5) My faith continues to increase as I receive grace and mercy for each new day. (Lamentations 3:22-23) "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the
Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our
tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble,
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
There is no such thing as "resolution" Each of us comes into these difficult times with our own personal history of spiritual beliefs, patterns of coping, and unique personalities and temperaments. Our relationship to the deceased also greatly influences our grieving process. No two people have identical relationships with any one person, that includes parents. There are, however, some basic needs that we have as we grieve. We need to have our sorrow acknowledged somehow, by someone. That means different things to different people, which again shows how unique the grieving process is. We also need to remember not to put a time limit on grief. This is a life-long process which leads us along some interesting roads. Someone coined the term resolution as an idea that at some point we come to terms with the death. At the point of resolution we are to "get on with life." I prefer the term reconciliation which Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D. states is "not getting over your grief, it means growing through it." This is "what occurs as you integrate the new reality of moving forward in your life without the physical presence of the person who has died." "As the experience of reconciliation gradually unfolds, you also will recognize that life will be different without the presence of the person who died. And you will realize that reconciliation is a process, not an event." italics mine (used with permission from "Understanding Grief" by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. Center for Loss and Life Transitions, Ft. Collins, CO www.centerforloss.com) Our society calls parents who have had a child die a bereaved parent. For those of you who had an only child die, the question often comes up, "Am I still a parent?" When we have a spouse die, we go from wife/husband to widow/widower. For those of us who lost someone to suicide, we are called suicide survivors. I see some advantages to these labels as it helps to define what is going on in our hearts. It also opens up the opportunity to meet others who have suffered similar losses. But there is a down side. It's important that we know who we are apart from any human relationship. God, our Creator, fashioned us for Himself. It has always been His intention to provide us with the kind of relationship that is impossible to have with any other person. Who else knows us from conception on? Who else always has our best interests at heart? Who else is as close to us as our own breath and has promised never to leave us or forsake us? (Psalm 139, Hebrews 13:5) The fact that we were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26) should encourage us to explore our God given identity and purpose for living. The Bible, which is God's word to us, explains His nature, character and purpose. Read with wonder and openness to the truth. "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable
for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good
work." What is this thing called "closure?" I know you've heard it. "Now that the funeral is over they can have closure." "The first year is the worst, after they get through the first anniversaries, they will gain closure." "Finding the missing body will help give closure to their grief." For those of us who have suffered a tragic death of a loved one, believe me, there is no such thing as closure. This is not to say there is no transition in our grief, but closure denotes an end, finality, a conclusion. As I mentioned above, grief is a process, not an event so we need to be cautious of what we say to a bereaved person. I remember feeling so inadequate and fearful that I would not grieve "the right way." People's comments were sometimes confusing. Many times their words were not helpful or comforting; in fact on occasion I was made to feel worse. The turmoil of emotions within my heart did not correspond with their desire for me to "be myself again." Believe me, I certainly wanted to turn back the clock and be myself again, but that was not to be. Fortunately my Heavenly Father did not allow me to continue in fear and confusion but provided grace, mercy, and insight into this thing called grief. "For God has not given us a spirit of
fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." |
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